Tips for Adding a New Sibling

Eight months ago, our family made the leap from one child to two. It was magical, frightening, frustrating, and beautiful - all at the same time.

MJ and his newborn brother

But the one thing that I stressed about most, more than the birth, nursing, and whether or not I'd ever sleep or shower again, was how the addition of a new baby would impact my first baby. I wasn't sure how MJ would react to sharing me, and I wasn't sure how I'd handle being shared.

How could I make MJ still feel loved and included? How could I help him accept and enjoy his brother? How could I make sure our own relationship didn't suffer?

In an effort to ease the transition, I asked for advice from everyone I knew. I read blogs; I combed through books; and I talked to my Mom, my friends, and my midwives. And, along the way, I discovered a few tricks of my own.

Now that several of my friends are getting ready to grow their families, I thought I'd share my best tips!

Make Like a Boy Scout and Be Prepared

To your first child, a baby can be a great unknown. The more you can do to remove the mystery, the lower the anxiety will be.

If your child is very young, start out by introducing the concept of a baby. Point out babies that you see when you're out and about and say something like, "See the baby? We're going to have a baby in our family soon."

Next, you might point out siblings that your child knows. When you take him for a playdate, point out that Johnny is a big brother - just like he is going to be soon. Do this in your family, too. This can be especially effective if you or your husband is also a big brother or a big sister. When we explained to MJ that Daddy was also a big brother, just like he was going to be - his eyes filled with pride.

Reading books is another great way to introduce a child to sibling life. In our house, we read The New Baby, I'm a Big Brother (which also comes in a sister version), and My New Baby. We also enjoyed reading books that showed animal Mommies and babies and talking about how the babies were brothers and sisters.

For older children, look into a sibling class. You might check with your hospital, birth center, or a local Mommy and Me studio to find one. (For those of you in Sacramento, an excellent class is available here). These fun workshops can be a great way to get your child excited to be a sibling. Topics covered will vary but you can expect your child to get practice holding a doll, to learn a bit about babies, and to come away with some fun tools (like special songs to sing to the baby) that will make him or her feel more confident about being a big brother or sister.

Practice Makes Perfect

Books and conversations are great, but nothing can compare to the real thing. Give your child the chance to see you holding and interacting with other babies as much as possible. If you can't seem to find a baby to do this with, offer on Facebook to babysit for free on a Friday or Saturday night and watch the babies come pouring in. :)

Many parents have success with using a doll. The doll can be either for you or the child. I've had Mom friends that wore a baby doll in a sling, rocked it, pretended to nurse it, etc. Then, they let their child practice holding and touching the baby. Once the real baby came, Mommy gave the doll to big brother or sister to care for.

Given the fact that MJ threw everything he got his hands on at age two, we skipped the doll role playing. But give it a try!

Let Your Child Nest, Too

When you created your first nursery, it was just you. But now you already have one bird in your nest. So why not let big brother or sister help with the feathering this time around? Siblings can help pick paint colors or bedding, fold clothes, or pick out a special teddy bear or stuffed animal to wait in the baby's crib. When we decorated Evan's room, we had MJ help with many steps in the process - from painting, to choosing artwork (trucks!), to rolling out the new rug on the floor.

It's worthwhile to note here that if you will be passing down some articles from big sibling to baby, do it well before the birth.  Don't wait until the month before the baby comes to make the switch from crib to Big Boy bed. Your first child is likely to feel "evicted", and he'll probably be not too happy about it.

Young children can be very possessive about their belongings, especially when they're suddenly asked to share the things they treasure most - like you. So, if you can, move furniture or other baby items from your older child's room to a neutral location first. For example, the glider that was in your daughter's room might find a new home in the living room for a month or two before eventually making its way into the nursery.

Ace the Introduction

Some of the best advice I received about adding a new baby to the family came from the head midwife at my birth center. Over the course of her career, she'd seen thousands of new sibling introductions. Needless to say, she knew what worked and what produced tears and tantrums.

Here are the tips she gave me, which we used to great success when our sons first met:

Big Brother meets Little Brother

• Arrange the meeting time carefully. Immediately following birth when you're exhausted, emotional, and probably breastfeeding nonstop, isn't the best idea. Choose a time when you're more rested (as possible as that is) and you can give more attention to your visiting child. 
• Don't hold the baby. Have Dad, Grandma or someone else hold the baby when your child first enters the room so you can be free to offer your hugs and lap to big brother or sister. Kiss, hug, and interact with your child as normal. 
• Don't force things. After you've given your older child some attention, casually say, "The new baby is here. Would you like to meet him/her?" If your child says no, respect that. Soon enough he'll show interest.
• Be patient. When MJ came to visit me, I spent a good 15 to 20 minutes with him before I even mentioned the baby. It was a few minutes more before he wanted to meet him. If your child leaves for the day without looking at or holding the baby, fine. They have years ahead of them to get to know one another. Things will go more smoothly if you let them develop naturally.

Come Bearing Gifts

Babies get a lot of attention. And a lot of gifts. Turn the tables and have the baby bring a gift to his big brother or sister.

MJ receiving his gift from the baby

When Evan was born, I selected a set of wooden construction trucks for MJ's gift. I packed it in my labor and delivery bag and had it waiting in the baby bassinet when MJ came to visit. It was a great ice breaker and it made MJ feel special and appreciated.

Plus, it made for my favorite moment of Evan's entire birth. After playing with his new trucks for a few minutes, the baby began to cry. MJ crawled over and offered the excavator (his favorite truck by far) to his new brother to make him happy.

My heart nearly exploded with pride. It was the sweetest, most purest expression of love I've ever seen him give.

Let Your Child Help...

Once you're home, there are lots of great ways to involve your child with the baby. When the baby needs attention, ask your older child if they'd like to help and then let them. Toddlers can grab diapers, burp rags, or help with laundry. They can replace pacifiers, turn on the infant swing, and put a blanket on the baby. Older children can help with bathing or feeding, fastening diapers, or even dressing the baby.

Think creatively. Even if you have to invent extra steps to the task you're doing, or do it twice - it's worth it to find a way for the older sibling to get hands on. It will make him feel important, appreciated, and included.

...But Don't Expect it.

Caring for the baby is your responsibility, not your older child's. I specifically chose not to make the baby a chore for MJ and I didn't require him to help. Instead, I'd casually invite MJ to join. "MJ, I need to give baby brother a bath - would you like to help me?" If MJ said yes - I let him, and praised and thanked him for his efforts. When he said no, I accepted it and went about the task by myself.

Just to clarify, I see helping as very different than following rules. While I have always made grabbing a diaper or folding baby clothes optional, listening to my directions on how to treat the baby is not. I never present a direction on how to treat the baby as a question (i.e. "Can you share with the baby?"). It doesn't guarantee instant obedience, but I'm finding that the distinctly different ways in which I speak about fun and flexible activities and hard and fast boundaries on behavior are helping MJ to better understand, and follow, my expectations.

Get Hands On

Babies aren't as breakable as you think so don't be over protective. Let your older child kiss, hold, pat, and touch the baby. Keep close by to step in quickly if things take a rough turn.

The first time MJ "held" Evan, he was actually sitting in Daddy's lap.

But not shortly after, he asked to hold Baby Brother by himself. And I let him.

Yes, as you can see, Evan cried. But guess what? Evan cried most of the time anyway. The few seconds of baby tears were worth the pride that Big Brother got in being entrusted with the care of his brother...even if it was just for 10 seconds and Mommy was standing just inches away.

I have never discouraged MJ from giving affection to his brother. Although sometimes I think Evan may wish I had... Check out his expression below. (Don't worry, he wasn't as scared as it looks - he was just startled.)

And, unless the attention was intentionally or overly rough, I didn't constantly hover over MJ and caution his every move with reminders like "gentle hands" or "be careful." Instead, I chose to trust him to be kind and only stepped in once he'd proven that he couldn't. He took pride in my trust and he rose to the occasion.

Here's an enthusiastic "hug" that quickly morphed into a full body embrace. Surprisingly, Evan didn't mind. I'm glad I didn't shoo MJ away for fear of hurting the baby, because it was a sweet moment they both enjoyed.

And here is MJ sharing his toys with Baby Brother. I let him pile a good four or five on him before I gently suggested that he'd been generous enough.

Share Your Attention Wisely

Until the new baby showed up, your first child was likely the center of your attention. Chances are he won't enjoy sharing the spotlight. Make sure you give him undivided attention whenever possible, and acknowledge him when you can't. Even if I was in the middle of a blowout diaper or a particularly frustrating nursing session with Evan, I tried to always verbally respond to MJ when he needed me and give him a concrete timeline of when I'd be available.

In general, I tried to avoid responding in a manner that blamed the baby for my being unavailable. Instead of pointing out the painful obvious that your attention is being prioritized elsewhere, I'd attempt to redirect or suggest an alternative. Rather than, "I can't build blocks right now because I'm feeding Evan", I'd say "I'd love to play blocks in a few minutes when we're done reading this book. Can you bring me Curious George and I'll read it to us?"

Did it always work? No. And when it didn't, I'd break the news as gently and fairly as possible. "I know you want my attention. But it's brother's turn right now. I will give you a turn on my lap next. I love  you."

Find Time For One-on-One

Shortly after Evan was born, I left Daddy with some diapers and bottles and escaped for a date with MJ. I woke him up from his nap and asked if he wanted to go somewhere special with Mommy. His reply was, "Yes, special like helicopters and ice cream."

So, we went to get frozen yogurt. Then we went to Toys R Us and bought a helicopter. We were gone just two hours, but it felt like 2 days - in a good way. It was so refreshing to fully focus on him, to shower him with kisses and hugs and not have to worry if the baby needed me.

Make time for your older child, even if it's just an hour or two. In the beginning, I tried to do this several times a week. Even now, eight months post-baby, I still try to find bi-weekly time where MJ and I can do something just the two of us. And when it happens, I make a big deal of it. I point out how much fun it was to go somewhere just MJ and Mommy and how much I enjoy getting to spend special time with him, without having to share him with anyone else.

Easy on the Discipline, Heavy on the Grace

If your child is like most, he's going to act out when the baby joins the family. Now is not the time to get heavy handed or lay down the law. As Moms wiser than I explained to me, your child feels threatened. He's testing to make sure he still has a place in the family and in your heart. He needs to know you still love him no matter what.

Does that mean you let him throw toys and wreak havoc on the house? No. But it does mean that when your instruction to come to dinner results in an epic meltdown, you spare the timeouts and instead offer a hug and some patience.

Think of it this way: You're not bending the rules, but you're buffering your response. Be sure and give lots of praise, lots of positive physical touch, and administer consequences gently. And heck, if you bend a few non-essential rules along the way, it might not be a bad thing. Bedtime in our house was never so flexible as when the new baby arrived.

Get Help

I share this tip last, but I probably should have put it first – because the less stressed you are, the easier adding a new baby will be. Enlist others to help with everything and anything possible, from cleaning to grocery shopping to walking the dog. If you can't find willing friends or family members, hire it out. Take out and a few weeks of housecleaning are well worth the price of a calmer Mom who is more available to her children.

One thing you shouldn't farm out - caring for your older child. Don't banish big brother or sister to Grandma's house for weeks on end or come home from the hospital and promptly hire a daily sitter. Helpers should primarily take on responsibilities that free you to care for and play with your older child more freely. When your older child is ready (it may be a few weeks), visiting a relative for the weekend or having a friend or sitter take him to the park for an afternoon a few days a week will likely be a welcome escape from the house and the baby, instead of feeling like a punishment.

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While nothing can guarantee you a drama-free transition from child to children, I hope these tips help make your journey smoother. And when it gets tough and it seems like no one is happy (been there, done that!), just remember that this storm will pass quickly. Before you know it, the squabbling over Mommy's lap will end and they'll soon join forces to conspire against you for all sorts of mischief - like finding Christmas presents, sneaking cookies for breakfast, and staying up way past bedtime giggling.

I can hardly wait!