Say What?

For generations parents have been giggling at the things their children say. Reader's Digest used to publish the funnies throughout their magazine (maybe they still do - I haven't seen a copy in a decade). There was even a television show called "Kids Say the Darndest Things". Why it's not on the air still is beyond me, because it's certainly not for lack of content.

Just like millions of Mommies before me, I'm discovering the hilarity that is the newly talking child. It's  an awesome window into the crazy way their little brains work and a delightful mix of innocence and misunderstanding.

In fact, my friend Ellie gave me a book titled My Quotable Kid, and I've been filling it up ever since MJ started to babble. If you have a small child, I highly recommend getting this little book to keep a record of the laughable things your little one says. And if you don't, no worries. I'm sharing some of MJ's greatest hits right here.

"So Nice of Daddy...."

When MJ was newly two, I began to work on the concept of thankfulness with him. I liked to point out things that other people had done for us and make grateful comments like, "Wasn't that so kind of him? Thank you (insert name here)."

We particularly focused on Daddy. MJ had a sandbox that Ted built for his birthday and a train track, complete with tunnels and twists and turns, that Ted put together. Whenever we'd play with them, I'd remind him, "Daddy built your sandbox. Wasn't that so nice of Daddy?"

Well, not long after Evan was born, we were putting him down to nap in the baby swing and MJ says out of the blue, "So nice of Daddy to make baby brother."

I smiled and replied, "Yes, but actually Mommy did most of the making. Do you remember when Evan was in my tummy?"

MJ shook his head and looked at me as if I was wrong. "No, so nice of Daddy."

Prayer Time

Night time prayers have been a part of our bedtime routine since before MJ could speak. Now that he can talk, I've encouraged him to join in by saying "Amen" or other simple phrases. We've always ended our prayers the same way, by thanking God for everyone in our family - Mommy, Daddy, MJ, and Baby Brother.

So you can imagine my surprise when after saying "Amen" one night, MJ refolded his hands and added, "And thank you for excavator..."

Who Do You Love?

MJ has never been a hugely emotional child. He's independent, strong willed, and not super cuddly or clingy. And, he plays hard to get. He was over three years old before he said "I love you" to me, and it wasn't for lack of trying on my part.

One day, after he surprised us by telling Ted that he loved him  (while still holding out on me), my jealousy and impatience got the best of me. I was determined to trick him into saying it. I talked about how much I loved him and what love meant - that you think someone is special, they make you happy, you want to spend time with them, and so on....

I even read MJ two books about loving Mommy. We finished the last line of the second book, which read, "And who is the one that I love the best? Even more than all the rest? Mommy!!!!"

I promptly closed the book and said, "MJ, who do you love the most?"

He thought it about for a moment and replied, "Um.......excavator."

Well consider me put in my place!

Questionable TV Choices

One of the first tv shows that we let MJ watch is a horribly low-budget children's series called "Mighty Machines". Filmed in Canada, this delightful mid-90's documentary follows all sorts of machines in action - from garbage trucks to tow trucks to printing presses - all with really bad, cheesy voice overs.

Considering this was all he watched, I was a little surprised when one day he said, "Mommy, I wanna watch the skanks. Skanks, please."

Um.....what kind of television is Ted watching when I'm not home??? I thought to myself in horror.

I tried to ask more questions to discover what he was wanting but couldn't figure it out. Until a few days later when I turned on the recycling episode....at the end, there is a big claw-like machine that sorts the metal in the junkyard.

MJ took one look at it and said, "The skank!! I like skanks."

The mystery was solved. Now if only I could convince him never to repeat that phrase again....

No Kisses Please!

I have a problem with kissing MJ's cheeks. They are so soft and squishy and adorable, I sneak in every smooch I can. Recently, he let me know that there is a time and place for such things.

We were using the restroom at church and I was holding him up since the toilets there are still too tall for him to use, and there wasn't a children's step stool available. Since his little face was really close to mine, I started kissing it. Who can resist?

"Don't kiss me while I'm going pee pee," he said loudly.

That definitely sounded a little creepy...New rule: no kissing in bathrooms.

Bathrooms and Butts

The preschooler's fascination with private parts and bodily functions is renowned in the parenting community. It's also hilarious, even if it can be rather embarrassing.

Take the time that I took MJ into the bathroom with me at church....

"Mommy, you have a rash on your butt!"

"Huh? No, I don't." I was totally confused. I pulled my pants back up and MJ repeated.

"No, Mommy. You have a rash. A rash on your 'pa-gina..'"

Finally, I figured out that he thought the lace print on my cream-colored underwear was actually my skin, with a new and disturbing pattern...Thankfully I convinced him it was just my underwear, not a rash, but probably not before half of the ladies in church left the restroom thinking I had some strange and disgusting disease.

X-Rated Children's Songs

Continuing on the same theme, here's a delightful little story about the week that MJ learned the proper name for female private parts and the song "Coming 'Round the Mountain" in the same week.

You can probably guess where this going. If you don't, sing a few lines. Get to the verse where you sing about being in the kitchen with "Dinah" and swap it out for girl parts. There you have it, folks. My preschooler sang this version for a week before I finally corrected him.

Sadly, I never captured it on video...

More Butts

(Ok, I promise we talk about things other than body parts in our home, but it just happens that those stories are the funniest.)

Yesterday, I let MJ in the shower with me. I always swore I'd never do things like use the restroom with a child, undress in front of them, or co-shower, but that was before I was actually a mother and realized that 1) keeping children in the bathroom with you is far preferable to the mischief they find if you leave them alone outside of it and 2) there is nothing that enrages a small child like a locked door - you're not going to get any peace anyway, so you may as well let them play on the floor with Legos while you do your thing.

This lack of privacy is a little humiliating at times, but it also leads to really awesome conversations. Like the one that happened yesterday.

MJ: "Mommy, is dat somefing green on your butt?"
Me: "Mmm, hmm."
MJ: "What's dat,  Mommy? What's dat???"
Me: "It's a picture of a clover. It's called a tattoo."
MJ: "What's a tattoo?"
Me: "Something Mommies do in a faraway land called college...."
MJ: "Oh. I'll just help you wash it off..." (gets out the shaving cream)
Me: "I don't think that will work, MJ. It's part of my skin now. Like a freckle."
MJ:  "A green fweckle? Dats silly."

Yes, son. Yes, it is.

Even More Butts

One day, MJ was sitting in his underpants in his room. We were playing with blocks and having a lovely time. Out of nowhere, he stopped, put his hands down his pants and was quiet for a moment in reflection. Then, he said this little gem:

"Mommy, gross things come from my butt."

Well, MJ, speaking as someone who has been dealing with your dirty diapers and underpants for three years now, I'd have to agree. :)

Words Gone Wrong

Perhaps one of the cutest parts of new talkers is all the words that they say incorrectly. Here are just a few that MJ has coined:

"Raspbabes" = raspberries
"Under the neath" = underneath
"Syr-bup" = syrup
"Hippomapotmas" = hippopotamus
"Rustle" = rusted

All in all, of the all the things I love about my little man - hearing the sound of his voice is one of my favorite. I never know what he's going to say, but I do know it's bound to make me smile!