This Hyper Sucks

If you've followed any of my recipes of late, you probably noticed I'm trending toward a no sugar, no carb lifestyle. I know, sounds like a party on a plate, right? Let me tell you, it requires more than a little creativity for this former pancake and pasta queen.

While I'd love to take credit for my new lifestyle, the truth is I'm not a paragon of self-discipline. I'm doing it out of necessity....well, that and some good old fashioned vanity. Recently, I've gained a lot of weight. An inexplicable amount – like four dresses sizes in under a year.

At first, I didn't think much of it. I've never been a skinny girl and I've almost always weighed about 10 to 15 pounds more than those super handy (insert sarcasm here) BMI charts say I should. As a mother of two over 30, I figured a little more padding was just to be expected.

The problem was, I couldn't lose it.

I quit snacking, stopped putting sweet creamer in my morning coffee, had sandwiches and fruit for lunch, and started popping in exercise DVDs during the kids' nap time. But no matter what I did, I didn't drop weight. In fact, I gained even more. So I worked harder. I made organic fruit smoothies for breakfast and dragged myself to a 5 am boot camp three days a week. I began lifting weights and shoving protein powder in everything. I even bought the notoriously difficult exercise program Insanity (which definitely lived up to its name).

Nothing worked.

I should have been bursting with energy and feeling great. But I was just as exhausted, hungry, and sluggish as ever. I may have been eating and moving like a fitness crusader, but I still looked and felt like a couch potato. And it was getting harder and harder to take.

Now, I've never bought into the lie that a woman must be thin in order to be beautiful, and I've never hung my self worth on my measurements. I knew I could never diet my way to being 5'10" with long legs and blonde hair, and that was perfectly fine with me. God makes us each according to His plan and I'd always been happy with my lot.

But suddenly, for the first time in my life, I was more than just slightly uncomfortable with what I saw in the mirror. I was embarrassed. I ducked out of pictures; I stopped shopping and dressing up in cute clothes; I even skipped social events where I knew I'd run into people I hadn't seen in a long time. I didn't want them to see how much weight I'd gained and judge me. I knew it was a sad way to live and it felt horribly shallow, but it didn't stop me from trying to hide.

When I outgrew the largest size sold in the Target women's department, I started to panic. So I did what every 21st century woman does – I turned to the internet.

Dr. Google was quick to offer a million reasons why I wasn't losing weight.

You need more sleep - at least eight uninterrupted hours. Perfect, I'll just plan to be in shape when my boys graduate from high school.

You're too stressed. Huh? I thought exercise was supposed to reduce stress? Looks like I'll be fit when I'm childless and retired, then?

You're working out too hard. Ok, I'll ease off the boot camp drills and try some ballet and barre......Nope, my butt is still big.

You're not working out hard enough. Damn it, Google! Make up your mind, you fickle beast!

Your hormones are out of whack; your thyroid is sluggish, and you have hidden food allergies. At last, we may be getting somewhere. After all, I wasn't just chubby - I was feeling all around icky pretty much all the time.

Convinced that something must be amiss, I went to see my doctor. After getting nowhere with my traditional MD (Women are often just fat and tired, he tells me. Here, try this antidepressant for more energy.), I visited a naturopathic doctor. Nearly $800 and half a dozen tests later, I had an answer.

It wasn't my thyroid. It wasn't my gut. It wasn't Celiac. It was hyperinsulinemia, which is basically a really fancy way of saying that you have too much insulin in your body at all times. Sounds like diabetes, right? That's what I thought. But my blood sugar levels are just fine. One hour, two hour, and overnight fasting levels are normal and healthy. My body is able to regulate the glucose I eat just fine, it's just simply over prepared - rallying the troops to take out a sugar bomb at any moment, even if all that's coming in is carrots.

Yes, I'm an insulin making machine....which also means I store fat like a boss. Awesome. I mean, I like to excel at things as much as the next girl  – but is it too much to ask that my secret talent not be gaining weight whilst living on salads?

Perhaps one of the most frustrating parts of this whole thing is the lack of answers. There isn't agreement among the experts about what causes hyperinsulinima. It's somewhat of a medical chicken and egg riddle. Do you have too much insulin because you're overweight? Or are you overweight because you have too much insulin? No one is quite sure. Regardless of which came first, you still have pounds to drop.

And then there's the stigma. Many people assume these issues are the exclusive territory of the lazy and the aging, but that's not necessarily true. The first time I was alerted to blood sugar abnormalities, I was 15 years younger and wearing half my current dress size. But short of wearing a sign on my back that says, "No, I haven't just let myself go - I'm fighting a medical issue", there isn't much I can do about the sideways glances people give me if I have a bite of cake.

Here's what I do know: I have to reverse it in order to lose weight, increase energy, lose the headaches, and feel better. So, I get to ditch all sugar and pretty much all carbs in hopes of reducing my insulin sensitivity and bringing my hormones back to a healthy level. And it's a lot harder than it sounds.

Consider this so-called healthy breakfast: Slow cooked oatmeal topped with organic blueberries and a splash of skim milk. My body reads that as carbs topped with organic carbs and a splash of carbs.

Or this balanced lunch: Turkey sandwich on 100% whole grain bread with an apple and a 1/2 cup of all natural strawberry yogurt. The only thing on that plate that doesn't have a carb impact for me is the turkey.

Since I'd already cut back on the sugar and grain in my early attempts to lose weight, I was told I'd have to be even more careful to see any results. So, these days it's grilled chicken, cheese, carrot sticks and almond milk for me. My former standby snacks of berries, bananas, or melon are too sugary (yup, fructose counts too!) to be anything but a treat. And a serving of whole grains is a rare splurge for me. Who would ever think that a piece of toast would taste like dessert? For me, it does.  I haven't had pasta in nearly three months. And chocolate has only passed my lips once in the past 8 weeks. Heck, I haven't had a burger on an actual bun, not even whole wheat, but once this summer!

And for all my hard work (still sweating 5 to 6 days a week), I've lost a measly 3 pounds.  Of course, I know you're not supposed to watch the scale. You're supposed to pay attention to how you feel and how strong you are, but gosh darn it - I'd really like to be able to wear some of the clothes in my closet. Sure, I can do a solid minute of pushups and hold a 45 second plank with a preschooler on my back, but I still look like crap in a tank top. Progress is progress, but it's painfully slow.

Am I angry? Yes. Am I frustrated? Absolutely. But I'm also grateful. I'm grateful for the chance to have health that I can improve, and for the energy and strength to do it. So many people I know are impacted by diseases without such hope. And I'm thankful for the way this experience is challenging me to further redefine what I think about beauty, and what place it has in my value system and self worth.

But above all, I'm blessed for the opportunity to grow in empathy for the struggles of others. Truthfully, I haven't struggled much in life. Academics were easy for me, and I was well liked throughout childhood. I've never been unemployed, and we can pay all of our bills without hardship. Life has always been fair to me. I put in effort, and it pays off.

Now, for the first time, I know what it's like to work three times as hard as the girl next to you... and not see half her results. It sucks. Hyper sucks, in fact. But it's teaching me that struggles aren't always what they seem, and those facing them are in need of far more grace than I ever realized. It's a big life lesson to learn. To learn it on something as small and trivial as my dress size, that's pretty lucky if you ask me.